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December 11, 2007

Comments

Tim Driscoll

Dear Elizabeth, I have taken such a long time to blog back to you because I begin to write and then become critical and perfectionistic and it blocks me from writing anything. I do feel that I have gained insight and am receiving guidance and am changing the way I respond to situations that would in the past have really thrown me off. I am grateful to you for giving this information about the alignment of planets and energies and the potential for hope and transformation it presents.
I would like to relate a very personal story because I believe that the more specific and personal I or anyone writes, the more universal it becomes. That is The Divine Paradox (of which I have a deeper understanding and trust of from The Kybalion) in action.
December 9th, the day you mention the moon entered Sagittarius, was my father's birthday. When I visited him in Phoenix at Thanksgiving he had given me a CD he recorded of stories from his life. I resisted listening to it partly because my mother (who he's been divorced from him since I was eleven), had told me that she wouldn't let my nephew who lives with her listen to it until he was eighteen. She also told me that the two of them should do dueling CD's because her memory was different from his. Because I felt I needed to call him on his birthday and tell him I listened to it(he wrote on the envelope of the copy he gave me: "Yo Daddies Stories - To #1 Son", I laid down and listened. The one story he told about me was how I at three years old would lay down on the floor and throw tantrums to (as he said) "get attention." He said that he finally just laid down on the floor with me and imitated me, and that "Tim really learned from that." When I called him after thinking how to respond, all I could come up with was to say his voice sounded really good and that I liked his self-deprecating inflection when he told the story about having at one time entered a seminary "to be a priest." It seemed strange that he was so excited for me to hear it, but I didn't know what it was that I should get from it from a personal or artistic standpoint. He said on the recording I really learned for him imitating my tantrum, but I didn't know what the hell I should learn from him relating that story on a recording. Elizabeth, I do feel that if I didn't have the guidance that you give I would have been dragging myself into drama, feeling I needed to express to him a protection of my mother and nephew and that I could have been hurt by having only one tantrum story told about his number one son. I was never one for holiday parties, but I am exceptionally well-prone to decking the halls with balls of drama at holiday time. I believe that how other people might distract themselves with crowds, I will fill my mind with the words I'd like to
say to stick up for myself or to prove that I am right or show how much I have been hurt. That party in my head- I guess you'd call it a pity party - is what I have to avoid to be able to go deep inside. You spoke in class that there is a mechanism that goes off and you stop and center yourself and react differently (or act as opposed to react), and I believe that is what is happening within me to a certain degree, and what I need to keep getting better and better centered in my pelvic structure and aligned with my pubis to allow this mechanism to keep guiding me. I guess I could tell my father that the recording inspired me to perform a profound piriformis release, or that his stories really affected the alignment of my pubis. Thanks, Dad for getting me to clock back to twelve! I have heard chakras compared to CD's in terms of storing information and retrieving it through spinning, so I can choose to get my root chakra spinning rather than letting all of these voices in my head keep spinning "you should tell him you're hurt, you should defend your mother, you should write a scathing review, you should ask him what does it all mean..." It has been difficult in the weeks since to deal with my feelings, not knowing whether to ask him what was his intention in making the recording - he does say at the end with a genuine almost longing, that he "hopes you enjoy my stories." He told me on the phone that the last time he saw his father, who died when I was ten, that his father said, "I've got one for you," and told him a joke, which my father said of his father's jokes, "he called them stories." I asked my father what the story was and he said he couldn't remember. I think I need to listen to the recording again, even though I have resistance to it, because I believe the place in my body that most needs to change is my pelvic floor, and that is where my root chakra is, and if I make an effort to understand my father, there is a potential for feeling better connected to my roots and the tribal energy inherent in that part of my body. That could grant me connection to the earth and the stability that comes with that. The strongest thing I realize about the whole thing is how strong the urge to tell a story is within all of us, and how my father felt a joy in telling his stories, and did want to share that joy with me. There is a poem by Muriel Rukeseyer that I read years ago on a bus: "Time comes into it - Say it Say it - The universe is made of stories, not of atoms."
I realize I come from a line of storytellers, and I can reach out to my paternal ancestors in meditative moments and ask for support. As you told me Elizabeth, in the lower right side of the back of my ribcage, I have more support than I realize. I choose to believe that my grandfather's spirit can guide me into what story to tell to enlighten myself and perhaps my father, and that his spirit wants me to succeed and wants me to be able to relate to his son, my father. There is great hope within this to not have to come up with the answers myself all the time, or base my responses on what was conditioned into me with seven years of psychotherapy. I will get rooted through this, and what roots I have will reach deeper. I do remember the face of my grandfather, although I can't recall his voice or amy story or joke he told me. My mother told my he did tell a good story, although she said he had more finesse than my father. She really has been funny through all of this which is inspiring, because she could have been spiteful. I tell her that I'm anxiously awaiting the release of her CD. I have lived most of my life uprooted, but I sense that with my father still alive (which presents me with more chance for healing than the early death of his father), and the support I can choose to feel from all the generations before me, I need not decipher a family tree, but simply ask for support and know that somehow through avenues I am coming more and more sensitive to, the guidance will come. Besides, with the magical nature that I feel is well within (and a well within) me, I find it fun to lay in my bed and ask my grandfather to guide the relationship between my father and I. He's surely got better spiraling channels of communication than a spinning CD.

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